Tuesday, August 14, 2012

5 years go today...

I woke up to learn that my dad had died overnight in the hospital.  It wasn't until later that afternoon that we actually got a cancer diagnosis.  It killed him so effing fast. Since then I have known so many people, especially dads, who have died in August.  I honestly believe it is cursed and hold my breath hoping to make it through the month without learning someone else has died. 
I thought I'd give this date a chance to redeem itself by POAS today since I'm 13 DPO and my beta is scheduled for tomorrow.  I only had one 17mm when I triggered and my temps have been pretty mediocre at best. So I'm not entirely surprised that I got a BFN.  But it still stings.  I'm feeling a little numb.  I'm also feeling hurt because I tested over an hour ago and Mr. W still hasn't said a thing to me.  Didn't ask what the results are, didn't say anything to acknowledge how much the memory of today sucks.  Not a single effing peep. And we had a conversation right before bed last night about the plan to test this morning. So I feel very alone. And sad.
There is one small thing that makes today an improvement, and that is that we moved into a new house and now I have a different view of a different wall when I open my eyes in the morning.  The day my dad died my mom called early as soon as she found out and since I was 38 weeks pregnant and very tired the phone call woke us up.  Mr. W answered the phone but I knew from his side of the conversation that my life as I knew it was over.  As I lay on my side staring at those pale yellow walls not two feet from my face my whole world changed.  That spot represented the worst moment of my life and every morning when I opened my eyes I had to be reminded that my dad was dead, just from that small patch of plaster. So it was with some sense of relief when I opened my eyes today with the anticipation of peeing on a stick, to possibly have my outlook on this date change, that I saw a new patch of plaster, covered in gawd-awful, hot pink, bird bedecked wallpaper. 
Change is good, negative pregnancy tests are not.

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