Disappointment followed by acceptance

After rushing to drop the children off at a daycare center and getting to Mr. W's office in time fore our skype session with the Microsort people, we learned that it was all for naught.  Even though I had repeatedly asked them to clarify that we would qualify for Microsort sex selection for family balancing based on our already having two sons, it turns out that they still cannot offer Microsort with IUI becasue the FDA is dragging their feet on approving it after their trial run.  We found that out in just the first few minutes of the conference call so I was incredibly disappointed knowing that we were now spending $300 for a consultation fee for no reason.
However we did discuss IVF with Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) which is the only option for sex selection that we could pursue if it is that important to us.  We didn't really discuss IVF in depth with our local RE because I don't want to do it, but this gave Mr. W the opportunity to learn more about it.  She did imply that with my age, and diminished ovarian reserve, that it would be best to do genetic testing on the embryos. I also asked her about the program for embryo adoption because Mr. W is only open to one more child and I wouldn't be comfortable with either destroying any "extra" embryos or donating to science for experimentation.
I could tell that the idea of the PGD was appealing to Mr. W even though previously we had discussed IVF being too expensive for us to pursue even if I was comfortable.  Afterwards as we rode down in the elevator we briefly discussed whether he would want to do IVF with PGD to rule out genetic problems.  I was thinking I could maybe rationalize it for that and the sex selection would just be an added bonus. That night he was too tired to discuss anything because he had been working late much of the week.
The next day we rose early to camp out along the route of the Grand Floral Parade and I left immediately following to drive up to Seattle again for another baby shower.  That gave me a lot of solo time to consider what I was willing to do, what I'm not willing to do, and what my priorities actually are.
I do want a daughter and I cannot imagine my life without one, what would be my purpose?  Or rather, what is my purpose supposed to be since I always felt like raising a daughter would be a major part of my calling? But on that long drive I came to accept that I do need to "Let go, and let God." I need to trust that if I am meant to raise a daughter, whenever I conceive it will be a girl.  And if I'm not meant to, and I have another son, I need to trust that I will figure out where I am supposed to go from there. It isn't for me to know what God's plan is, but it is up to me to accept my destiny and enjoy it. It's a pretty scary place to be though.  I doubt my ability to move past gender disappointment.
Another factor in helping to make the decision to accept my fate of relying on nature to determine the baby's sex was considering the future of any adopted embryos.  I would want them to be open adoptions so that I could know my children and play at least some small part in their lives. I couldn't imagine having them be out there somewhere and not knowing them.  But then how can I face them as teens or young adults and explain how we didn't chose them because of their sex or because we only wanted 'one more' and didn't want to attempt to transfer them as an embryo into my womb?  Because frankly, we probably could afford a fourth child.  How would that look to them to see their 3 biological siblings living in this big house and knowing that we didn't choose them?  It made me want to throw up and I knew at that moment that I was right all along to think that IVF would be a stupid idea for us at this point in our IF journey.  It would be one thing if we had exhausted all other options and IVF was the only way to have another child, but based upon my history, it would be so, so dumb.
I also decided I would no longer follow up with trying Microsort in Mexico.  After our disappointing appointment on Friday I called the international number and began mentally planning a fertility trip to Guadalajara where the FDA won't get in my way.  When they returned my call on Monday I did not respond.  I need to close the door on all of it.
By the time I left for Seattle I had been using OPKs for about 5 days and still hadn't gotten a positive yet.  I figured I had already missed the window, even though I had started testing on CD13, and was kicking myself for not trying this cycle because we were hoping to wait until the next 'real' cycle when we could do Microsort with IUI.  I had been using expired OPKs though so I felt like maybe that was the reason I wasn't getting a positive. With all that in mind I figured there was nothing preventing me from enjoying a reunion with Mr. W the night I returned from Seattle.  The next day I decided to test again on a whim and was surprised to see that it came up positive.  I was actually excited! I have done a little reading on the Shettles Method, which could very well be just an old wives' tale, which recommend having sex early before ovulation since the female chromosome sperm live longer. Maybe fate was settling me up to have a girl anyway.  We had sex again the night of the positive OPK to improve our odds at conceiving any child.
My concern now of course is that I canceled any mid-cycle testing since we were going to abstain this month in the hopes of putting all our figurative eggs in next month's basket with the Microsort.  So I really have no idea what is going on inside of me, no idea how many follicles I had as a result of taking 100mg of clomid.  That is double the dose I had in all my previous unsuccessful attempts.  Odds are that as usual, the clomid won't work for me so there is no reason to worry about multiples.  But I've pretty much convinced myself that I am pregnant this month.  Acceptance of either sex baby being okay made the universe give me a baby on a night that I didn't think I could get pregnant. That's the way all this works out, right?  Only time will tell in two weeks.  I've decided I'll test on the feast of St. John the Baptist.  It will be 2 weeks past my positive ovulation and it would be nice to have a positive pregnancy test associated with a special religious day like both of the boys.
And if it doesn't work, we'll just move forward with Letrozole next cycle.  Which reminds me, I need to figure out where we packed my injectible pen...

Girl Baby Fever

Over the weekend we went up to Seattle so I could attend a baby shower for Mrs. PP who is due with a baby girl in early July.  Plus this coming weekend I'll be traveling back up solo for the baby shower for Mrs. Z's twin daughters.  I took the boys with me to Milagros to get some baby gifts and had such fun picking out girl clothes.  Of course nothing pink since I despise that color, but there are still so many sweet little outfits, diaper covers, and shoes to consider!
The last time I was up there I noticed that Mrs. Z had a 70s bassinet that she and her sister used to sleep in.  It looks so similar to mine that my sister and I slept in so I decided to bring it up and loan it to her for when the girls outgrow the one bassinet.  The General also loaded up our car with baby things that their twins have outgrown.  The Z's girls were born premature at 32 weeks and have been in the NICU since April 21, the day we moved.  Baby R had just been released last Wednesday so I was able to see and hold her when I was dropping off the baby things at their house.  She is so sweet and tiny and perfect looking! I always think, "Gee, I forget how tiny they are when they are born!" but then I quickly remember that my boys were so big at birth that that is why I forget...my boys never were that small.
My Little Helper was completely enamored with Baby R.  He totally wants a baby sister and wants me to name her Sid.  (He also suggested that his cousin be named Sid when he was born last December. What can I say, the boy loves the name Sid!) He kept coming over to look at R as I was holding her and he did not seem jealous at all. Neither did Baby Boy.  He seemed pretty indifferent about the whole thing.  Baby Boy does like babies though.  He likes to get down to their level and check them out and smiles at them. My Little Helper kept asking if he could pet baby R's arm.  Oh, how I would love to give him a baby sister!!!
I was still doing my clomid challenge test over the weekend and wouldn't you know it my Cycle Day 10 landed on a Sunday!  My RE's office gave me a cool transport container and said that I could have my blood drawn up there, there is no lee way on when the blood is drawn, but it doesn't have to be tested that same day.  Our friends suggested we go to an urgent care in Capitol Hill because of it's close proximity to the baby shower at the Japanese Garden. Our Little Helper has been complaining of his penis hurting him and coupled with frequent 'accidents' I suspected a UTI so we both checked in at urgent care.  It took forever! They ought to have just sent me down to the lab right away, but instead the nurse said they would call the lab to send someone up to draw my blood.  That was a mistake.  The lab never did.  I kept waiting and waiting.  We eventually got a sample out of OLH and it was negative.  So no UTI, but probably a yeast infection which we can treat over the counter.
At this point I decided I 'd just go down to the lab, good thing since they sounded like they never got the request anyway.  They seemed incredibly reluctant to draw my blood and give it back to me.  Supervisers had to be called in.  They kept calling around the hospital to ask to speak with managers.  At one point they told me they wouldn't be able to do it because I am not registered there and the office would have to do it, but they aren't open until Monday.  I was about to release my clomid craizes on them!  The surperviser went into the back room to speak with yet another person.  I plotted my freak out.  What would I do if they wouldn't draw my blood?  I'm totally missing the baby shower at this point which was the whole reason I was in this mess in the first place.  I was beside myself, pacing the lab.  Then she returned and said they would do it, but it would take a half hour for them to spin it.  Mr. W said he'd drop me off so I wouldn't miss any more of the shower and would come back to pick up the sample.  He said when he returned they refused to put the blood into the transport container because they weren't trained on it.  It involved unscrewing the top and dropping it inside. Sigh! What a major pain in the neck.  The buck stops nowhere apparently.
Mr. W noticed the container was leaking on the way home.  Or rather the vial was leaking so the part that they were trained on they didn't do right!  I had another freak out worrying that all that had been for nothing and I still wouldnt be able to get the testing done.  When I dropped of my sample Monday morning though a lab tech checked it and said that it would be fine and there would be plenty to work with. Whew!
I received the results of my test on Tuesday:

• My FSH was 9.83 on CD 10 (up from 5.49 on CD1) and they like to see it below 10. 

•  My AMH was 0.31 and they like to see it above 1.

So basically my egg quality is good, but my egg quantity is below average. I asked if these results would change the protocol my doctor has recommended for this next cycle or if he would instead go back to follistim.  The nurse reported that he would still recommend doing Letrozole.  With this news though I am certain that I'm only willing to try one cycle of it and then go back to gonadatropins which I know work for me. I also think we will skip trying to conceive this cycle.  I know as an infertile that sounds like madness, especially since I am medicated,  but I'd kick myself if I got pregnant this cycle with a boy (or two) instead of waiting to at least try the MicroSort.
Mr. W and I have our Skype call with the MicroSort doctor this afternoon.  I am over the moon excited about it still!  I've got the Girl Baby Fever, and I've got it bad!!

Clomid challenge test and family balancing

After meeting with my RE earlier this month he recommended I do a clomid challenge test to asses my ovarian reserve.  He actually wanted me to do one last time, but I flatly refused because I hate being on clomid so much.  This time however I felt I ought to do it since I'm 36 and it has been 2 years since I've done any testing.
Last week though I began to get alarmed because my period still hadn't arrived and we were going to go camping for the Memorial Day weekend.  I wasn't sure how much flexibility there would be in which day the blood work could be done and also if I could have it drawn at a clinic in Seattle, since we'd be camping up near Bremerton.  After a call my RE's office I learned that I also needed an ultrasound for the clomid challenge test and that had to happen before CD3.  They might have allowed a blood draw at another clinic, but not an ultrasound.  They could have both done as early as CD1 though. So I was screwed if my period didn't show up that night or early Friday morning.  Miraculously, it did arrive later that evening and they were able to squeeze me in before we left town.  My Little Helper was at preschool, but I had to bring Baby Boy with me since it was such late notice. (My clinic doesn't have a no children allowed policy.) I set up the room with toys to keep him busy, but in the end when the staff entered the room I ended up picking him up and holding him on my chest/abdomen during the ultrasound.  My RE was already out of the office for the holiday weekend so they took this opportunity to have an intern perform my ultrasound with another RE supervising.  She was so slow and I was so uncomfortable from her pressing the wand into me and trying to take the measurements AND having a toddler squirm around on top of me.  It will be really awesome if future ultrasounds happen to coincide with days he's scheduled to be in childcare!
Before I left I asked about mid cycle monitoring (they weren't planning on doing it since I didn't want an IUI) and asked if I could add a trigger shot this month since I had success on my follistim cycle when I used a trigger.  The other RE said that would be a fine idea and I left with an appointment, but no prescription for ovidrel.
They called me with the blood work results as I was packing. My FSH was 5.49 and my Estradiol (E2) was 64.  Both within the normal range.  Hopefully the CD10 blood work will also yield normal numbers.
I was so exhausted from camping after we returned home yesterday that I didn't fill the clomid prescription until this morning.  I've spent the better part of today re-researching family balancing options.  It started with me looking back to find out what my clomid dose was the last time I took it.  I'm on 100mg for the clomid challenge test. I never wrote down the prior doses so I had to call my old OB's office to request it.
That lead to me calling up the Tacoma area clinic I was told does sperm spinning, researching the different spinning methods online, like Ericsson and Percoll, then a check with Microsort again.  I had tried a couple times last year, but the first time I was told their clinical trial was closed, they did not have one projected for the future, and they wouldn't take my info to contact me when one opened up again.  The next time I checked in they had just closed a trial, frustrating to say the least!!!
This time I ended up on the Microsort international page and sent a request for information and began envisioning a mini trip to Mexico with Mr. W, sort of a premature Babymoon if you will.
Then on a whim I decided to call the LA based clinic again to see if they had open enrollment coming up soon.  I was shocked when I received a call back so quickly and they were willing to set up a skype appointment for us and send us a new patient package!  Honestly, this is exactly what I want to do and I thought this ship had sailed for me!  They have to best success rate, in the 90% for those trying for a daughter, vs in the 60% with other methods.  And I can do it without involving embryos.  I will have to do an IUI, which isn't approved by the church, but at this point I'm willing to do the 'wrong' thing if it means I can get the family I want.
I know there is a saying, "Let go and let God." but I'm just not strong enough for that.  I feel like I've put up with enough through my IF journey that I should at least use my IF to my advantage to get the sex I want this last time.
Mr. W and I had a real heart to heart conversation after our consultation with the RE about the what-ifs of having a 3rd son.  If we are lucky enough to have a third pregnancy that goes to term, that is the end for Mr. W.  He is no longer open to adoption and would not be open to further treatment or adoption to add a girl for a fourth child.  So this is really, truly my last shot. I told him that  I can't imagine my life without a daughter and am scared about how I would handle the disappointment. He asked me how I have handled other disappointments in my life.  My initial reaction was "Not well." But when I reflected upon it more I realized that I haven't really had that many disappointments in my life.  I have been in control of everything else: where I go to school, studying abroad, getting a job within my field, eventually meeting and marrying the perfect person for me, living in Portland,eventually being able to have children, even getting my dream house,everything I have every really wanted I have gotten.  The one thing out of my control was losing my father to cancer right before My Little Helper was born.  And if the fact that I'm still not over that and still struggling with the reality of that is any indication to how I'd react to never having a daughter, then we're in big trouble.
So, today I am over the moon happy that I could get accepted as a new patient and am eagerly looking forward to me skype consultation.  I'll continue on with the clomid challenge test, but won't add a trigger shot and will probably skip doing timed intercourse this cycle.  I'd rather save my pennies and my luck for next cycle!