Thursday, January 21, 2010

Working my uterus off

The past two have weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster ride for me in terms of decision making and emotions. I never wanted to do IUI, neither during my primary IF, nor with my secondary IF. But last week I changed my mind and decided I wanted a referral from my OB/GYN to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). I wanted to pursue injectibles and the possibility of IUI. I decided to delay starting with the adoption agency and asked my dr during my appointent if I was officially being diagnosied with Unexplained IF and asked for the referral. He said I had an abnormal ultrasound and needed to come back three days later for a saline sonogram. He'd give me a referral after those results. In the three days that passed I researched and prayed hard about IUI. By my next appointment I had changed my mind yet again. I had decided against IUI, but wanted the RE referral so I could pursue injectible fertility drugs. In the span of 3 days my dr had completely forgotten why he had asked me to return to his office. He reviewed my history and decided I may have some scar tissue as a result from the two previous surgeries I underwent to get my son in and out of me. He wanted me to have a HSG which I lovingly refer to as a cooter x-ray. This test officially meant that we would have to delay joining the adoption agency until the spring. We'll have to invest too much money to start adoption that wouldn't be refundable if the test results show that I can be "fixed" again and achieve pregnancy.
I sit here one day past the cooter x-ray waiting to ovulate. Usually the 2 weeks waiting between ovulation and testing to see if your efforts paid off in a pregnancy seem to last an eternity. This cycle seems like the reverse is true. All my vacilating on how to proceed has made it seem like forever. And yet it has only been little over a week! And poor Mr. W! Everyday I have a new plan. He isn't as vocal about his thoughts as much so I am hoping he will let me know where he stands.
Everyone who has experienced IF or a pregnacy loss at some point has been on the receiving end of wildly inappropriate comments that more often not were intended to be comforting by the person doling out the unsolicited advice. Let me tell you that what we would prefer would be support rather than advice. I have had my own share of poor comments. In the instances when I don't want to punch the person in the face, I at least want to tell them to back off because I am working my uterus off.
Here are things that people who love me and care about me have said during my journey:
"At least you get to have fun trying!"
"At least you have one child of your own"
"Oh, it was really easy for us to get pregnant!"
"I worry that I wouldn't be able to love an adopted child as much"
"You need to do it doggy style"
"You need to do it on the 13, 14 and 15 and then afterwards get up on your knees"
"Once you start adoption, then you'll get pregnant"
"You need to relax and stop thinking about it"
"Don't worry, you will get pregnant again"
"We had a lapse in judgement and we think we're pregnant"
"My girlfriend is pregnant, I think we're going to have an abortion"
"I'm pregnant again and my husband doesn't want to keep the baby"
"You need to hurry up and have another baby so he doesn't get spoiled"
"I thought you wanted more kids"
"Hmm, you ovulated; you should be pregnant"
"This test will clear out the cobwebs"
"You'll probably get pregnant after this test, so many other people do"
I'm paraphrasing some of the above, but some are direct quotes. I acknowledge that most people don't know what to say and are trying to be comforting, some people didn't know I was IF, and some people just have a terrible case of foot in mouth disease.
I am working on it. Honest.

Monday, January 11, 2010


We are only in the third week of deep fryer season, but already I am worried that I may have had my fill. Last week we had tacos and formed the corn tortillas into shells in the deep fryer. I went a little crazy in the freezer aisle and came home with boxes of jalapenos poppers, cheese sticks, taquitos, and tater tots. As soon as Friday night rolled around for game night with the Fs we made a meal of the deep fryer-ables. You would think this would be enough for any family. But no, Mr. W had a hankering to make doughnuts from scratch. So he endured the tedium of cleaning and changing the oil in order to make fresh doughnuts upon my return from Mass on Sunday. Krispy Kreme has nothing on Mr. W!They were very good, but today I had very little appetite to eat anything. I think I may really need the detox that is Lent!

Embroidered boudoir pillow

This is my grandma's sweet, turquoise, 1957 New Home sewing machine. She gave it to me when she bought a new computerized machine. This thing was so well maintained and runs so easily that I now really enjoy sewing. I feel confident that I can do things because I have good equipment.
After the success of my bedroom curtains I was on a roll and decided to tackle some of the other sewing projects I had been putting off. I loved the idea of a monogrammed boudoir pillow and had gone so far as to purchase the feather pillow insert and some white pique fabric. And then I got distracted. Also I kept thinking I'd use my aunt's computerized sewing machine for the embroidery, but I never got around to it.
I decided I could embroider it myself and searched for a nice font to use as a template for the letter W. I decided the smaller one was better proportionally. The first step was to embroider a lavender W on it. It only took me a few days. Makes me think I should be monogramming things more often!
I cut out the fabric to allow for a wide flange and tested out a couple different sizes for the W. made up an envelope enclosure for it. Basically I did one piece for the front, two pieces for the back that overlapped each other (and finished the raw edges), put right sides together then sewed together along the outside seam. Then I flipped it right side out, measured again for the pillow insert and then stitched that seam. I was then able to slide in the pillow form.
It turned out very sweet I think. Here it is on the wing back chair that my mom and I slip covered. It is just how I envisioned it, so I'm happy. It also looks nice on the bed.

Friday, January 8, 2010

In Limbo

And no not the old Catholic kind where un-baptized babies may or may not be spending eternity.
I am in the limbo of IF. I am fairly certain that this is not going to be our successful cycle. Again. In October I checked in with the adoption agency we had selected when we were pursuing the adoption option while struggling with primary IF. They were having a prospective adoptive parent (PAP) orientation the following weekend, which at the time was too soon for me. As a result Mr. W and I decided to give ourselves until the next orientation which is coming up at the end of this month. As the date draws near I find myself having seconds thoughts. Not about adoption. I know that I will adopt a child to complete our family. But have I exhausted all possibilities medically? Can I accept a diagnosis of "unexplained IF"? I have an appointment with my OB next week. Hopefully he can shed more light on the situation for me. The agency will not allow us to pursue IF treatments once we apply.
So as I sit and stew over the unknown, I find myself frustrated with all the things I can't do because I don't know if I'll get pregnant again.
1) Maternity clothes are taking up space in the wardrobe in the basement.
2) I look forward to a life in which I am not charting. Let's face it, at this rate of conception, I certainly don't have to be worried about an oops! pregnancy when we are trying to avoid.
3) I love to take some sort of prescription to combat my hormonal acne; I can't while I'm actively trying to conceive.
4) OPKs and HPTs are cutting into my budget.
5) We can't make vacation plans to attend a wedding in Italy this summer until we are positive there is no chance we will be in the third trimester of pregnancy then.
I can't come up with anything else at the moment, but I have no doubt there are other issues. All of the above is coupled with the emotional wreck I become, with highs and lows depending upon where I am in my cycle. Patience is a challenging virtue to attain. I am constantly praying for God to grant me more patience until His plan to grow our family is revealed to us. I think His plan for us is adoption, but I guess my faith isn't strong enough which is leading me to have these doubts.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010


It's the most wonderful time of the year! I'm enjoying my last day of Christmas music as I relax after our Epiphany party which closes out the official holiday season. Although technically the current church calendar observes next Sunday, the Baptism of the Lord as the terminus. I think I may leave the Christmas trees up until then just so that I can squeeze out the last drop of Christmas.
In high school Spanish class we all did reports on holiday celebrations. One of my friends prepared Rosco de los Reyes, Kings' Ring, and gave me the recipe. It is a fruit and nut filled sweet bread decorated to look like a crown. I think this year I finally mastered the yeast, because even my friend Mrs. F. told me this was the best one yet. It is customary to hide a small porcelain doll representing the Christ child inside the cake and whoever finds it in their piece is obligated to host another party on February 2nd, Candlemas or El Dia de la Candelaria. Every year I say I am going to go to a Mexican tienda to purchase a little doll so that I can stop wrapping a bean in foil as a substitute. One day I'll follow through on this!
A few years ago at Mass we were given some blessed chalk and a prayer to say at home to bless the house and its inhabitants for the coming year. We inscribe 20+C+M+B+10 which has two meanings. In Latin Christus mansionem benedicat, May Christ bless the house. Alternatively it is the traditional names of the three Kings: Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar.
I also like to burn a frankincense and myrrh incense. This year I added a little gold garland to the table as a subtle nod to the third gift from the magi.I have been making borscht for the last few years. There is no particular cultural significance, just the fact that we love beets and soup is so nice and wintery. It makes sense to eat borscht because it is season.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Nursery tree

Because Mr. W and I accept an and all cast offs from family members we have ended up with a lot of old Christmas ornaments. My grandmother doesn't go through the fuss of setting up a Christmas tree anymore, so she gave me the remaining ball ornaments that she bought in the 1950s for my mother and siblings. Many of them are decorated with nursery rhymes When Mr. W's parents were downsizing they gave each of their children the ornaments from their childhood and he got the crocheted Sesame Street characters. My mother sewed some Mickey Mouse characters.
Since we live in the PNW I was raised with real evergreen Christmas trees. But I have always like the idea of a smaller nursery tree. I decided to buy an old fashioned feather tree to avoid the worry of water and lights around children. This is the second year I have set it up. The topper and beaded garland are new.
The fabric nativity is new this year too. Mrs. W Sr. gave both the nativity and an Advent calendar to the Littlest W for Advent. I have found it to be very helpful in explaining the story to him. He loves the 3 kings and St. Joseph, St. Mary and baby Jesus, not to mention all the animals. What a wonderful idea to have something that is interactive for children to participate in the story!