Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Disappointment followed by acceptance

After rushing to drop the children off at a daycare center and getting to Mr. W's office in time fore our skype session with the Microsort people, we learned that it was all for naught.  Even though I had repeatedly asked them to clarify that we would qualify for Microsort sex selection for family balancing based on our already having two sons, it turns out that they still cannot offer Microsort with IUI becasue the FDA is dragging their feet on approving it after their trial run.  We found that out in just the first few minutes of the conference call so I was incredibly disappointed knowing that we were now spending $300 for a consultation fee for no reason.
However we did discuss IVF with Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) which is the only option for sex selection that we could pursue if it is that important to us.  We didn't really discuss IVF in depth with our local RE because I don't want to do it, but this gave Mr. W the opportunity to learn more about it.  She did imply that with my age, and diminished ovarian reserve, that it would be best to do genetic testing on the embryos. I also asked her about the program for embryo adoption because Mr. W is only open to one more child and I wouldn't be comfortable with either destroying any "extra" embryos or donating to science for experimentation.
I could tell that the idea of the PGD was appealing to Mr. W even though previously we had discussed IVF being too expensive for us to pursue even if I was comfortable.  Afterwards as we rode down in the elevator we briefly discussed whether he would want to do IVF with PGD to rule out genetic problems.  I was thinking I could maybe rationalize it for that and the sex selection would just be an added bonus. That night he was too tired to discuss anything because he had been working late much of the week.
The next day we rose early to camp out along the route of the Grand Floral Parade and I left immediately following to drive up to Seattle again for another baby shower.  That gave me a lot of solo time to consider what I was willing to do, what I'm not willing to do, and what my priorities actually are.
I do want a daughter and I cannot imagine my life without one, what would be my purpose?  Or rather, what is my purpose supposed to be since I always felt like raising a daughter would be a major part of my calling? But on that long drive I came to accept that I do need to "Let go, and let God." I need to trust that if I am meant to raise a daughter, whenever I conceive it will be a girl.  And if I'm not meant to, and I have another son, I need to trust that I will figure out where I am supposed to go from there. It isn't for me to know what God's plan is, but it is up to me to accept my destiny and enjoy it. It's a pretty scary place to be though.  I doubt my ability to move past gender disappointment.
Another factor in helping to make the decision to accept my fate of relying on nature to determine the baby's sex was considering the future of any adopted embryos.  I would want them to be open adoptions so that I could know my children and play at least some small part in their lives. I couldn't imagine having them be out there somewhere and not knowing them.  But then how can I face them as teens or young adults and explain how we didn't chose them because of their sex or because we only wanted 'one more' and didn't want to attempt to transfer them as an embryo into my womb?  Because frankly, we probably could afford a fourth child.  How would that look to them to see their 3 biological siblings living in this big house and knowing that we didn't choose them?  It made me want to throw up and I knew at that moment that I was right all along to think that IVF would be a stupid idea for us at this point in our IF journey.  It would be one thing if we had exhausted all other options and IVF was the only way to have another child, but based upon my history, it would be so, so dumb.
I also decided I would no longer follow up with trying Microsort in Mexico.  After our disappointing appointment on Friday I called the international number and began mentally planning a fertility trip to Guadalajara where the FDA won't get in my way.  When they returned my call on Monday I did not respond.  I need to close the door on all of it.
By the time I left for Seattle I had been using OPKs for about 5 days and still hadn't gotten a positive yet.  I figured I had already missed the window, even though I had started testing on CD13, and was kicking myself for not trying this cycle because we were hoping to wait until the next 'real' cycle when we could do Microsort with IUI.  I had been using expired OPKs though so I felt like maybe that was the reason I wasn't getting a positive. With all that in mind I figured there was nothing preventing me from enjoying a reunion with Mr. W the night I returned from Seattle.  The next day I decided to test again on a whim and was surprised to see that it came up positive.  I was actually excited! I have done a little reading on the Shettles Method, which could very well be just an old wives' tale, which recommend having sex early before ovulation since the female chromosome sperm live longer. Maybe fate was settling me up to have a girl anyway.  We had sex again the night of the positive OPK to improve our odds at conceiving any child.
My concern now of course is that I canceled any mid-cycle testing since we were going to abstain this month in the hopes of putting all our figurative eggs in next month's basket with the Microsort.  So I really have no idea what is going on inside of me, no idea how many follicles I had as a result of taking 100mg of clomid.  That is double the dose I had in all my previous unsuccessful attempts.  Odds are that as usual, the clomid won't work for me so there is no reason to worry about multiples.  But I've pretty much convinced myself that I am pregnant this month.  Acceptance of either sex baby being okay made the universe give me a baby on a night that I didn't think I could get pregnant. That's the way all this works out, right?  Only time will tell in two weeks.  I've decided I'll test on the feast of St. John the Baptist.  It will be 2 weeks past my positive ovulation and it would be nice to have a positive pregnancy test associated with a special religious day like both of the boys.
And if it doesn't work, we'll just move forward with Letrozole next cycle.  Which reminds me, I need to figure out where we packed my injectible pen...

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