BFN

A big fat negative home pregnancy test. Le sigh!
I realize now that I mistyped the other day when I wrote that my temps had fallen by a degree.  In fact they had fallen by a tenth of a degree, which of course there will be some fluctuation, but two days in a row gave me cause for concern.  But then they rose by a tenth of a degree the next two days so I was gleeful again that this was my month!  My due date would have been March 3, the same birth day as my godsons.  How cute would that be?  I was convinced.
I was so excited that I went to bed as soon as our guests left at 10:30 PM last night.  I figured the sooner I went to sleep, the sooner it would be morning and I could take my temperature. I didn't sleep well though; I was so excited that I kept waking up every hour or so looking at the clock to see if it was morning yet.
Then to make things a bit more challenging, Baby Boy got a hold of my thermometer yesterday and slobbered it to death.  By the time I realized he had it the digital screen was so covered with saliva inside that it sloshed back and forth.  Fortunately we have a thermometer in one of the children's first aid kits. When I woke up at 5:30 AM and hear birds chirping I decided it was finally late enough to test.  But my temp had fallen from 98.7 the day before to 97.8!  That's when I realized I had been mistaken when I said "fallen by a degree".  Now it really had taken a significant dive in just one day.  Like a fall from Grace.
I convinced myself it must have been too early, it's a new thermometer, etc.  I decided to lay motionless for another 45 minutes so it would be closer to 6:30 AM when I usually test.  By then my temp had risen to 98.2.   That was encouraging enough for me, so I hopped out of bed and POAS. By the time I walked back to my bed to curl in next to Mr. W to share the results the HPT already read "NOT PREGNANT."
I'm CD32 and 13DPO.  I'm not an early POASer so I believe that this is legitimate.  So now I wait for AF to arrive to move on to cycle #11 and Letrozole. I hope it works. I hate this drama.

A shopping trip to the Aurora Colony

We have many things on our 'to do' list.  That list didn't include adding railing to the exterior basement stairs, yet that was a top priority for our insurance adjuster.  I thought if I have to add some railings there I may as well make it look pretty and use some salvage metalwork. I have been wanting to go out to the Aurora Colony since we moved in so I could browse for Aesthetic Era casegoods and furniture.  I thought Aurora Mill would be a perfect place for railings too.  My mom agreed to babysit the boys so I could head out for an afternoon alone.
What a treat!  Whenever I am driving in the countryside I am so grateful that we live in such a pretty part of the country, driving through farmlands with views of snow covered mountains when one turns a corner.  So lucky that we have such beauty so close to the city. It was super sunny yesterday too! All the antique shops are in old bungalows, storefronts, train depots or mills and everything was decorated with bunting and hanging flower baskets.  So cheery to put one in the mood to shop!

  
In my favorite shop I found a fascinating Art Deco curio cabinet that I thought might work in a narrow spot between a light switch and a vent.  It has glass shelves above and it has interior lights.  I thought we could store stemware above and stack china in the doors below.
I couldn't get the doors to open, but I was able to pull open the drawer and found this label inside. My favorite baby name right now and the piece was made in Tacoma.

 It 30"w which is my max for the space, but it's only 5' h which might be silly.  That would only be half the height of the wall, and it would be better to maximize our storage (since we hoard too many dishes) with a taller furniture piece.
Eventually I made my way over to the Mill.

 Outside there were some railings, but none of them were in the 10-11' range which I need.  Instead I found (2) 6' sections of railing with ball finials, which seems very Victorian to me, with ivy leaf ornaments. The piece with the newel post was $595 so pretty expensive since I'd need two.  I suddenly remembered that Aurora Mills has a reputation for being overpriced.

 Inside I found some more railings but they were all still much shorter than I required.  The best I could find was the sections in the back which are asymmetrical.  They are only 4'8" long.

 But then I noticed this little 2'6" section which would give me a bit more length than I needed, but wouldn't be a problem.  I was able to find a price tag for the shorter section, $, but couldn't see one for the ones in the back.  A couple people had to come out to help me figure it out and I learned they are marked at $1,200 a pair, but they could give me 10% off. I think Mr. W might have a heart attack, but I don't know how much he was planning on spending.

 I also noticed some wrought iron newel posts on my way out.  I thought as an alternative I could have a salvage newel at the end and then a length of new railing fabricated up against it.  The ones in the left side of the photo were all marked at $395.  I of course like this bigger one that reminded me more of the wrought iron outside Brownstones in Brooklyn and the townhouses in Capitol Hill.  And I couldn't find a price tag on it either.  I figure I'll show it to Mr. W and see what he thinks before I move forward with this idea.

 I decided to give up the hunt for now, and although my budget is small I found a couple small pieces I thought I would regret not bringing home with me.  The first was a diamond shaped bamboo occasional table.  I already have a bamboo plant stand and a sewing table so I knew it would compliment them and the rest of my chinoiserie theme in the Parlor. I'm so glad I went for it, it looks awesome in the front bay window!

The second item was a white wicker planter.  I feel like the original front porch is looking a little forlorn and barren.  I know seating is out of our price range right now, but one little plant by the front door will go a long way in looking welcoming.  I'm thinking maybe white geraniums since it gets a lot of sun.

A Bee Tea

 Now that we have to get cable My Little Helper is a big fan of the Mickey Mouse Playhouse.  In one recent episode they had a party for their friend a bee; they had honey baked ham, honeydew melon, and honey cakes.  I was inspired to have our own bee themed party; it seems I have seen this several time in Victoria magazine too.
But then we had to wait until we had that hard to attain combination of nice enough weather  and no other plans before we could have our Bee Tea.  We finally had both yesterday afternoon so while Baby Boy was sleeping MLH and I prepared for our tea.  I used a hemmed piece of yellow gingham which was draped over a curtain rod in our bathroom.  Since I'm no fan of yellow I took it down and planned to donate it until I realized that it could work as a summery outdoor tablecloth, and this was the perfect opportunity. MLH was very earnest in helping me spread out the tablecloth and holding onto his own side.
Then he suggested we pick some flowers which I was planning on doing anyway, but I was thrilled at him feeling it was important!  Our new garden has enormous clumps of big, white daisies and they finally came into bloom so we were able to pick a bunch and fill up our yellow vase.  I also picked another wispy yellow flower that is unknown to me.
When were down in the basement rooting around thru unpacked boxes trying to find the vase MLH noticed the 3 tiered tray and felt we had to have it for our Bee Tea.  How cute and sweet is that? Then we discussed which foods we would put on which levels.
Inspired as I was by Mickey Mouse, I made finger sandwiches of honey glazed ham, provolone cheese, and sliced honeydew. I intended to make them on mini croissants, but I had bought them several days earlier, had been waiting for the weather to clear, gave up and we ate them before they went bad the previous day.  Regular sliced bread yields more sandwiches to fill up the bottom tier anyway so it all works out in the end.
 Next we had crumpets, and finally bee chocolates.

The Fred Meyer has a Moonstruck display case and on a whim I checked to see if they had any bee shaped truffles and to our delight they did! 3 little bees!

As I was searching for dishes I found the amber carnival glass dessert plates, I realized I had honey flavored Greek yogurt in the fridge which could also be a part of our tea.  The tea cups and saucers are all mismatched though, I must have the rest of the LuRay dishes in my mom's basement.

The burlap bee wine sack I hadn't had an opportunity to use before and this honey was a party favor from the most recent baby shower I attended. I added a little square of bee fabric to dress up a jar of lemon curd.

I adore this honey dispenser we received as a wedding gift. And the jam pot has a little bee moulded on top.  Frankly, I was surprised I was able to locate everything!
MLH wanted both honey AND jam on his crumpet!
Baby Boy loved the yogurt and bird watching.
 
We looked through our bookshelves to see if we had any stories about bees; the closest we could find was Pooh's Honey Party.  We brought down the other bee toys too. I read aloud and we enjoyed our little alfresco Bee Tea.

 

Temps are dropping

My temps have dropped one degree in each of the last two days. It's amazing how quickly hope can be crushed. I was so confident yesterday, and now I'm worried my period may arrive early. On the bright side there is no need for me to make a special trip to the store to pick up a HPT before Sunday. That will save some money.
Disappointed.
I hate the 2 weeks waiting.

Sacred Heart of Jesus

This is my second year of making snacks for the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Since I decided last year's rice krispy treat was too much sweets, this year I used watermelon for the main heart.  I was planning on using raisins for the thorns, but I couldn't find any in the pantry so I used chopped chocolate morsels again.  The flames on top are strawberries.
In theory I love this idea, but it is way to early for watermelon and as you can see these were pink and didn't taste very good.

I also  bought some heart shaped crackers and covered them with some port wine cheese spread. Mr. W said he wasn't used to having that cheese outside of Christmastime, hahaha.

 My sister in law and her husband were in town for the weekend so I set the table with this crocheted tablecloth that their aunt made.
 
We also had our first Sunday dinner at the dining room table in our new dining room. (It's amazing how shifting over to the next table can make such a difference. We used the Moonlight Rose china and blue glass wine glasses, they complement the Colonial style leaded glass windows much more than the wallpaper I had in our other dining room. And we dined on Cooper River Salmon, our second time within 4 days.  You have to take advantage when it is in season for such a short time!

Disappointment followed by acceptance

After rushing to drop the children off at a daycare center and getting to Mr. W's office in time fore our skype session with the Microsort people, we learned that it was all for naught.  Even though I had repeatedly asked them to clarify that we would qualify for Microsort sex selection for family balancing based on our already having two sons, it turns out that they still cannot offer Microsort with IUI becasue the FDA is dragging their feet on approving it after their trial run.  We found that out in just the first few minutes of the conference call so I was incredibly disappointed knowing that we were now spending $300 for a consultation fee for no reason.
However we did discuss IVF with Pre-Implantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD) which is the only option for sex selection that we could pursue if it is that important to us.  We didn't really discuss IVF in depth with our local RE because I don't want to do it, but this gave Mr. W the opportunity to learn more about it.  She did imply that with my age, and diminished ovarian reserve, that it would be best to do genetic testing on the embryos. I also asked her about the program for embryo adoption because Mr. W is only open to one more child and I wouldn't be comfortable with either destroying any "extra" embryos or donating to science for experimentation.
I could tell that the idea of the PGD was appealing to Mr. W even though previously we had discussed IVF being too expensive for us to pursue even if I was comfortable.  Afterwards as we rode down in the elevator we briefly discussed whether he would want to do IVF with PGD to rule out genetic problems.  I was thinking I could maybe rationalize it for that and the sex selection would just be an added bonus. That night he was too tired to discuss anything because he had been working late much of the week.
The next day we rose early to camp out along the route of the Grand Floral Parade and I left immediately following to drive up to Seattle again for another baby shower.  That gave me a lot of solo time to consider what I was willing to do, what I'm not willing to do, and what my priorities actually are.
I do want a daughter and I cannot imagine my life without one, what would be my purpose?  Or rather, what is my purpose supposed to be since I always felt like raising a daughter would be a major part of my calling? But on that long drive I came to accept that I do need to "Let go, and let God." I need to trust that if I am meant to raise a daughter, whenever I conceive it will be a girl.  And if I'm not meant to, and I have another son, I need to trust that I will figure out where I am supposed to go from there. It isn't for me to know what God's plan is, but it is up to me to accept my destiny and enjoy it. It's a pretty scary place to be though.  I doubt my ability to move past gender disappointment.
Another factor in helping to make the decision to accept my fate of relying on nature to determine the baby's sex was considering the future of any adopted embryos.  I would want them to be open adoptions so that I could know my children and play at least some small part in their lives. I couldn't imagine having them be out there somewhere and not knowing them.  But then how can I face them as teens or young adults and explain how we didn't chose them because of their sex or because we only wanted 'one more' and didn't want to attempt to transfer them as an embryo into my womb?  Because frankly, we probably could afford a fourth child.  How would that look to them to see their 3 biological siblings living in this big house and knowing that we didn't choose them?  It made me want to throw up and I knew at that moment that I was right all along to think that IVF would be a stupid idea for us at this point in our IF journey.  It would be one thing if we had exhausted all other options and IVF was the only way to have another child, but based upon my history, it would be so, so dumb.
I also decided I would no longer follow up with trying Microsort in Mexico.  After our disappointing appointment on Friday I called the international number and began mentally planning a fertility trip to Guadalajara where the FDA won't get in my way.  When they returned my call on Monday I did not respond.  I need to close the door on all of it.
By the time I left for Seattle I had been using OPKs for about 5 days and still hadn't gotten a positive yet.  I figured I had already missed the window, even though I had started testing on CD13, and was kicking myself for not trying this cycle because we were hoping to wait until the next 'real' cycle when we could do Microsort with IUI.  I had been using expired OPKs though so I felt like maybe that was the reason I wasn't getting a positive. With all that in mind I figured there was nothing preventing me from enjoying a reunion with Mr. W the night I returned from Seattle.  The next day I decided to test again on a whim and was surprised to see that it came up positive.  I was actually excited! I have done a little reading on the Shettles Method, which could very well be just an old wives' tale, which recommend having sex early before ovulation since the female chromosome sperm live longer. Maybe fate was settling me up to have a girl anyway.  We had sex again the night of the positive OPK to improve our odds at conceiving any child.
My concern now of course is that I canceled any mid-cycle testing since we were going to abstain this month in the hopes of putting all our figurative eggs in next month's basket with the Microsort.  So I really have no idea what is going on inside of me, no idea how many follicles I had as a result of taking 100mg of clomid.  That is double the dose I had in all my previous unsuccessful attempts.  Odds are that as usual, the clomid won't work for me so there is no reason to worry about multiples.  But I've pretty much convinced myself that I am pregnant this month.  Acceptance of either sex baby being okay made the universe give me a baby on a night that I didn't think I could get pregnant. That's the way all this works out, right?  Only time will tell in two weeks.  I've decided I'll test on the feast of St. John the Baptist.  It will be 2 weeks past my positive ovulation and it would be nice to have a positive pregnancy test associated with a special religious day like both of the boys.
And if it doesn't work, we'll just move forward with Letrozole next cycle.  Which reminds me, I need to figure out where we packed my injectible pen...

Girl Baby Fever

Over the weekend we went up to Seattle so I could attend a baby shower for Mrs. PP who is due with a baby girl in early July.  Plus this coming weekend I'll be traveling back up solo for the baby shower for Mrs. Z's twin daughters.  I took the boys with me to Milagros to get some baby gifts and had such fun picking out girl clothes.  Of course nothing pink since I despise that color, but there are still so many sweet little outfits, diaper covers, and shoes to consider!
The last time I was up there I noticed that Mrs. Z had a 70s bassinet that she and her sister used to sleep in.  It looks so similar to mine that my sister and I slept in so I decided to bring it up and loan it to her for when the girls outgrow the one bassinet.  The General also loaded up our car with baby things that their twins have outgrown.  The Z's girls were born premature at 32 weeks and have been in the NICU since April 21, the day we moved.  Baby R had just been released last Wednesday so I was able to see and hold her when I was dropping off the baby things at their house.  She is so sweet and tiny and perfect looking! I always think, "Gee, I forget how tiny they are when they are born!" but then I quickly remember that my boys were so big at birth that that is why I forget...my boys never were that small.
My Little Helper was completely enamored with Baby R.  He totally wants a baby sister and wants me to name her Sid.  (He also suggested that his cousin be named Sid when he was born last December. What can I say, the boy loves the name Sid!) He kept coming over to look at R as I was holding her and he did not seem jealous at all. Neither did Baby Boy.  He seemed pretty indifferent about the whole thing.  Baby Boy does like babies though.  He likes to get down to their level and check them out and smiles at them. My Little Helper kept asking if he could pet baby R's arm.  Oh, how I would love to give him a baby sister!!!
I was still doing my clomid challenge test over the weekend and wouldn't you know it my Cycle Day 10 landed on a Sunday!  My RE's office gave me a cool transport container and said that I could have my blood drawn up there, there is no lee way on when the blood is drawn, but it doesn't have to be tested that same day.  Our friends suggested we go to an urgent care in Capitol Hill because of it's close proximity to the baby shower at the Japanese Garden. Our Little Helper has been complaining of his penis hurting him and coupled with frequent 'accidents' I suspected a UTI so we both checked in at urgent care.  It took forever! They ought to have just sent me down to the lab right away, but instead the nurse said they would call the lab to send someone up to draw my blood.  That was a mistake.  The lab never did.  I kept waiting and waiting.  We eventually got a sample out of OLH and it was negative.  So no UTI, but probably a yeast infection which we can treat over the counter.
At this point I decided I 'd just go down to the lab, good thing since they sounded like they never got the request anyway.  They seemed incredibly reluctant to draw my blood and give it back to me.  Supervisers had to be called in.  They kept calling around the hospital to ask to speak with managers.  At one point they told me they wouldn't be able to do it because I am not registered there and the office would have to do it, but they aren't open until Monday.  I was about to release my clomid craizes on them!  The surperviser went into the back room to speak with yet another person.  I plotted my freak out.  What would I do if they wouldn't draw my blood?  I'm totally missing the baby shower at this point which was the whole reason I was in this mess in the first place.  I was beside myself, pacing the lab.  Then she returned and said they would do it, but it would take a half hour for them to spin it.  Mr. W said he'd drop me off so I wouldn't miss any more of the shower and would come back to pick up the sample.  He said when he returned they refused to put the blood into the transport container because they weren't trained on it.  It involved unscrewing the top and dropping it inside. Sigh! What a major pain in the neck.  The buck stops nowhere apparently.
Mr. W noticed the container was leaking on the way home.  Or rather the vial was leaking so the part that they were trained on they didn't do right!  I had another freak out worrying that all that had been for nothing and I still wouldnt be able to get the testing done.  When I dropped of my sample Monday morning though a lab tech checked it and said that it would be fine and there would be plenty to work with. Whew!
I received the results of my test on Tuesday:

• My FSH was 9.83 on CD 10 (up from 5.49 on CD1) and they like to see it below 10. 

•  My AMH was 0.31 and they like to see it above 1.

So basically my egg quality is good, but my egg quantity is below average. I asked if these results would change the protocol my doctor has recommended for this next cycle or if he would instead go back to follistim.  The nurse reported that he would still recommend doing Letrozole.  With this news though I am certain that I'm only willing to try one cycle of it and then go back to gonadatropins which I know work for me. I also think we will skip trying to conceive this cycle.  I know as an infertile that sounds like madness, especially since I am medicated,  but I'd kick myself if I got pregnant this cycle with a boy (or two) instead of waiting to at least try the MicroSort.
Mr. W and I have our Skype call with the MicroSort doctor this afternoon.  I am over the moon excited about it still!  I've got the Girl Baby Fever, and I've got it bad!!