Two years ago today, I found out I was pregnant with Baby Boy. It was my Easter miracle considering the day before I had what I thought was massive, early period bleeding. Now I have an active little 15 month old running around, learning new things every day! This evening he will have his first swimming lessons.
I weaned him last week; I had to in order to have at least 1 cycle post weaning to have my hormones regulate themselves before I go back for infertility treatments to try to conceive a third child in June. Since we went up to Seattle to help fix up Mr. & Mrs. Z's kitchen that weekend we thought it would be a good stopping point for nursing since I'd be spending two nights away from Baby Boy. He has had some overnights at Grammy's house, but I always am able to nurse him mid morning the following day.
We had been down to just nursing first thing in the morning for about month or so. I was enjoying that still, but also looking forward to having my body back to myself. Saturday morning I nursed him for The Last Time before we took him to my mom's for the weekend. It was pleasant and intimate as always and I made sure to make lots of eye contact with my little son.
While we were in Seattle she called to say that he had been vomiting, but seemed in good spirits so not to worry. When I returned to pick him up first thing Monday morning she said he had already thrown up. He took one look at me and started crying and calling my name! When I picked him up he started patting my breasts. I felt like I ought to nurse him in case he was low on fluids. He nursed on one side only and fell asleep. Poor thing!
I was in so much pain last week after he was cut off. The side that I hadn't nursed on on Monday was so engorged and the pain radiated all the way to my back. The other side felt fine. In hind sight, I probably ought to have gone to nursing every other day for a few days before we had our final nursing session. It hurt so bad that I began to worry that I was going to develop mastitis.
On Friday I felt really bad. I was nauseous. I felt so sick that I told Mr. W I thought he was going to have to stay home to take care of the boys. First time in 4 years that I have taken a sick day! I had him look up the symptoms for mastitis. Nausea is among them, but usually with a fever which I didn't have. I decided I'd better nurse him on the painfully engorged side just to relieve myself. After his morning bottle we had our real Last Time nursing.
It was bitter sweet. I worked so hard to breast feed until 1 year, a milestone I wasn't able to meet with My Little Helper since he weaned himself at 9 months. Here I was with a boy happy to nurse until 12 mo, 13 mo, 14 mo, 15 mo and I was stopping on purpose. Was it worth it? It sucks that my infertility issues force me into making decisions that I otherwise wouldn't have to make. Should I push back starting treatments again at 18 mo? At 36 do I really have that luxury? Sure we were very fortunate to get pregnant with Baby Boy our first cycle of injectible drugs, but two years has passed and we may not be that lucky again. A lot can be lost with a normally fertile woman in her mid thirties, my history certainly shouldn't make me feel optimistic.
So the decision was made and kept. Our nursing relationship is over. My breasts feel normal and comfortable again. I can return to the world of sleeping on my stomach whenever I want. Life is good. I should probably stop making myself feel so guilty about it.
Saint Brigid's Lake of Beer
1 month ago