Friday, January 8, 2010

In Limbo

And no not the old Catholic kind where un-baptized babies may or may not be spending eternity.
I am in the limbo of IF. I am fairly certain that this is not going to be our successful cycle. Again. In October I checked in with the adoption agency we had selected when we were pursuing the adoption option while struggling with primary IF. They were having a prospective adoptive parent (PAP) orientation the following weekend, which at the time was too soon for me. As a result Mr. W and I decided to give ourselves until the next orientation which is coming up at the end of this month. As the date draws near I find myself having seconds thoughts. Not about adoption. I know that I will adopt a child to complete our family. But have I exhausted all possibilities medically? Can I accept a diagnosis of "unexplained IF"? I have an appointment with my OB next week. Hopefully he can shed more light on the situation for me. The agency will not allow us to pursue IF treatments once we apply.
So as I sit and stew over the unknown, I find myself frustrated with all the things I can't do because I don't know if I'll get pregnant again.
1) Maternity clothes are taking up space in the wardrobe in the basement.
2) I look forward to a life in which I am not charting. Let's face it, at this rate of conception, I certainly don't have to be worried about an oops! pregnancy when we are trying to avoid.
3) I love to take some sort of prescription to combat my hormonal acne; I can't while I'm actively trying to conceive.
4) OPKs and HPTs are cutting into my budget.
5) We can't make vacation plans to attend a wedding in Italy this summer until we are positive there is no chance we will be in the third trimester of pregnancy then.
I can't come up with anything else at the moment, but I have no doubt there are other issues. All of the above is coupled with the emotional wreck I become, with highs and lows depending upon where I am in my cycle. Patience is a challenging virtue to attain. I am constantly praying for God to grant me more patience until His plan to grow our family is revealed to us. I think His plan for us is adoption, but I guess my faith isn't strong enough which is leading me to have these doubts.

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