Friday, November 12, 2010

Feeling a little hopeless

I didn't have a great doctor's appointment yesterday. The baby is fine, but I feel like my doctor is back to his absent minded ways again. A month ago he wanted to schedule my cesarean section, but when I told him I wanted to wait on that he gave me the impression that he would be willing to try for a VBAC. He said he would get the report from the hospital for my last delivery by my next visit. He wasn't in the office last time so this was my first opportunity to get his feedback and I had to ask specifically about it, he didn't bring it up. He seemed very pessimistic and unsupportive about my chances of being successful. I'm getting so sick of hearing the worst thing you can do is labor and then have a cesarean.
I just don't understand how it is possible that the baby really wouldn't have fit last time. I feel like she didn't let me labor long enough before making me have the cesarean. He was only 8 lbs 6 oz, which isn't that big and his head circumference was only in the 50th percentile. I have enormous hips, how is possible that I can't pass a baby? Aren't pelvises and hips part of the same thing?
So now I feel like I have this stupid cesarean on my permanent record and it is going to eff up every future reproductive decision I can make. Why won't my body work right? Why can't I get pregnant on my own with out medical intervention? First one surgery and second a lot of drugs? And then I can't get the baby out on my own. The last OB, the one who made me have the cesarean, never told me that I wouldn't be able to try for a VBAC in the future. I feel like she really effed me over. I remember feeling upset afterward the first time, like that would be my only pregnancy since God didn't design me to have or bear children. But eventually those hopless feeling were replaced by hope considering the doctor never mentioned that I would have to have a cesarean again.
Feeling completely unsupported I called Mr. W. Rather than getting the encouragement I needed I got a lot of nothing. I know from taking that Myers-Briggs test that he is introverted and isn't forthcoming with his thoughts, but when I really, really need him it is as aggravating as hell. And then he drops this bomb on me: he doesn't want me to try for a VBAC either. It was not a good phone conversation at all and I cried off all my mascara.
I don't see how a VBAC is possible now, I can't do it by myself. If I don't have the support of the doctor or my coach, then it will just be me trying all alone. I'm so angry and frustrated. I hated my cesarean, I felt like I was being crucified. I hated being stuck in bed for 4 days with nurses unmotivated to help me regain upward mobility. I hated the post surgery diet of prune juice and jello. I hated being stuck on the top floor of my house for a week because I wasn't supposed to be climbing stairs. Why do people keep telling me that the second surgery is easier to recover from? The second pregnancy is harder, why should I expect recovery to be any better? Why on earth have I put myself in the position to have 3 abdominal surgeries within 4 years?
At this point I can't imagine it would be a good idea for me to try to get pregnant again. I am obviously pushing my body in ways that it cannot go. I should just be content with the two babies I will get from it, right? My hope of having a larger family will have to be fulfilled some other way. It just sucks. I really hope I don't hear any stories of women who don't want children getting easily knocked up in the next few weeks because I imagine that will put me over the edge.

No comments:

Post a Comment