Disappointment

Yesterday was a really hard day for me. It was Guadete Sunday the joyful Sunday when we light the pink candle on the Advent wreath, but it was anything but. My troubles began on Saturday night after dinner when we watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I cried through the whole movie, and it is 3 hours long. I'm not clear what exactly affected me so much whether it was the unwanted baby, death, him leaving his daughter, him dying at the end but in the form of a baby. I don't know, but I was miserable. I had such a headache from all the crying I did. I miss my dad and I am so frustrated with infertility. I am profoundly saddened by both. Even after the movie was over and we went to bed I could not stop thinking about it and could not stop crying. I can't remember the last time I had a good cry, so maybe that is why I had such a back up that needed to be released. I woke up in the morning still with a throbbing head ache. And then I did the dumbest thing to myself. I took a HPT.
After 18 months trying to conceive our first child I had a positive test result on Guadete Sunday. I was one day late. The way my cycle was working this year I could have conceived on the exact same day as our son. The way the calendar falls this year the 3rd Sunday of Advent is 4 days before I am due, the earliest the HPTs will work. So with superstition on my side I decided I'd test on Guadete Sunday again. There is no better way to celebrate the Joyful Sunday than knowing you are pregnant. Well, I'm not. And that set the tone for a cross and sad day for me.
After our breakfast in bed together I decided to go alone to Mass because I still had an awful headache. Afterwards I went alone to some antiques/junk stores looking for a bridge lamp and was unsuccessful in that as well. I know this sounds awful but I'm not sure how excited I can be as we lead into a holiday which focuses on birth and babies. It is going to be heart breaking for me.